Monday, August 8, 2011
Hello there, I am Barfy, the superhero. Many of you may know me as Thomas, a mild mannered student at an ordinary junior high school. That's who I am - when I'm not saving the world. My sidekick is Caity the Smelly who doesn't really help; she's just in it for the cape. Well actually her smell drives off evil villains, but she denies that and says it's me. I feel obligated to tell you the story of my name now, so like it or not, here is the truth:
It all started a day like any other, when Caity the Smelly (formally referred to as Caity) and I decided to become super heroes. I needed a name, as all heroes do, so I asked Caity (my future sidekick) for an idea. Immediately she came up with 'Barfy'. I was appalled and demanded an explanation. She simply told me it was because I roll around in barf. Yes, the shocking truth comes out. That is my secret - that is why I always smell so good. I don't use perfume, I use barf. So naturally I took it as a compliment, I was just appalled that she knew my smell-good secret. So I agreed, and forever shall be known as Barfy.
So then it was only fair that I pick her name, and since I naturally smell nicer (she doesn't roll in barf) I called her Caity the Smelly, because when I'm with her I always see people cover their noses and run. I didn't mean it as a complete insult - it's just so true.
Caity the Smelly and I, Barfy, have saved the world many times from numerous super villains, but my favourite adventure began a few months ago...
I was in my kitchen, enjoying a nice meal of cat when the phone rang. I answered it but no one seemed to be there, I kept saying 'hello' for a few minutes but no one was responding. That's when Caity the Smelly came in the door, dripping wet and looking very mad.
"What's the matter Caity the Smelly?" I asked, hanging up the phone.
"I've been standing in the rain waiting for you to answer the door for the last five minutes, so I decided to just come in. And stop calling me Caity the Smelly!" she seemed perturbed at something, I haven't a clue what, but I pretended to show some sympathy and invited her in.
"I was just having some cat, would you like to join me?" I asked, pouring myself a glass of cactus juice.
Caity the Smelly rolled her eyes. She does not eat cat. But she enjoys cactus juice, so I poured her a glass. Then I drank it, so I told her if she wanted some there was a cactus in the living room she could use.
While Caity the Smelly was preparing some cactus juice I picked up the newspaper and began to read. There was an interesting story about Catman in the paper. I read it, forgot it, and turned the page to read more important things, like the comics.
Caity the Smelly sat down with her cactus juice.
"So you've heard the news then," she assumed.
"The news?" I asked blankly.
"Catman trying to take over the world?" she asked impatiently.
"Catman, Catman...like the Christmas song?" I asked. "You know, 'Jingle bells, Catman smells-'"
Caity the Smelly interrupted me. "No! That's Batman. We're talking about CATMAN!"
"Oh, our rival, Catman! The evil super villain!" It all made sense.
"Yes, Catman. He's trying to take over the world. He must be stopped!"
"This looks like a job for Barfy!" I jumped dramatically out of my chair, then sat back down to finish my cactus juice, then jumped up again, looking triumphant.
Caity the Smelly glared at me.
"And Caity the Smelly!" I added.
Caity the Smelly rolled her eyes and said we had to go save the world. We had to get ready, duty called.
I wore a cape as my costume - it sounds simple, but it's not. You have the long piece of material, that you have to tie around your neck, but you have to be very careful not to strangle yourself. It takes time and effort, not so simple. I packed a disguise as well, a super secret disguise, just in case. Caity the Smelly had her cape on when she came, and her bag was packed. I packed extra cactus juice too, just in case we were thirsty. Also because I am addicted to cactus juice, but that is beside the point.
Well, all was going well until we got lost. Or at least, I got lost. Actually I stepped on the end of my cape, got tangled up in it, fell down, and couldn't see. So I started to freak out until I took the cape off my eyes. Then I forgot where I was so I started to freak out again. I was lost!
"Barfy, get up. We're not even off your driveway. I told you to be careful with that cape!" Caity the Smelly was slightly impatient at times. But I did as I was told and we continued down the street.
Before I go any farther, let me describe my neighborhood. The people dress normally and they act fairly normal too. But like stupid normal. They don't wear capes, they don't randomly break into song, and they certainly don't save the world! They also give us strange looks sometimes...all the time. But that's what you expect when you're walking down the street with Caity the Smelly. She's kind of insane.
Alas, we were at the Lair of Catman. A big, dark, scary tree house. Catman wore stupid looking tights and a cape with a picture of a cat on it. He's kind of lame. He also eats crayons.
So anyway, Caity the Smelly and I began to walk toward the ladder of his tree house. I mean lair...lair.
"Hey Caity the Smelly, wait!" I suddenly remembered something.
"I had cat for breakfast!" I figured I should inform her.
"And?" she asked, not understanding. She's kind of slow.
"Well, won't that offend him? Catman, I mean. Doesn't he worship cats?"
Caity the Smelly looked annoyed with me. "He's our enemy! Do we care if we offend him? Besides, how would he know you ate cat?"
"Well, he might get even madder at us and give us a time out."
Caity the Smelly glared at me.
"Never mind. I just won't tell him."
"Good, don't tell him you ate cat. Let's just go inside, quietly!" Caity the Smelly led the way up the rope ladder, into the tree house-lair of Catman.
We spent the next few minutes being very careful to not make any sounds at all. Once we were inside we spotted Catman, sitting at a table, eating crayons.
"Barfy, listen to me. We have to be very sneaky. Don't make any noise!" Caity the Smelly whispered.
"Okay, don't worry," I answered. But after about three seconds I forgot what she had said. I figured it was something stupid, because Caity the Smelly is kind of stupid. So, I ran over to Catman and didn't tell him I ate cat for breakfast.
No, that was a lie. I told him I ate cat for breakfast.
Catman jumped up and shouted something, but I couldn't understand him because his mouth was full of crayons. I told him I couldn't understand him so he said it louder. I told him I still couldn't understand him and he said it even louder. This went on for a few minutes until he was shouting so loud that he nearly lost his voice. That's when I informed him he had crayons in his mouth.
Catman spit out the crayon, but then forgot what he was shouting about in the first place and invited me in for tea.
"Oh, thank you but I don't drink tea."
"Neither do I, but it made me feel important," Catman answered.
"Oh, but I have some cactus juice in my bag. Do you want some?" I offered.
"Yes please! I haven't had a decent glass of cactus juice in ages!"
I opened my bag and took out the container of cactus juice - freshly squeezed that morning! I poured myself a glass, then I poured him a glass. Then I drank it. So I poured him another glass.
"It's nice outside," I said as I sipped my cactus juice.
"Oh really? I haven't been outside yet today," Catman replied.
"Yeah, I think it's supposed to rain later though."
"It was supposed to rain yesterday as well but it didn't," Catman pointed out.
"I know, and it doesn't look like rain today either."
So Catman and I were pleasantly drinking our cactus juice and having a nice conversation when Caity the Smelly so rudely burst into the room.
"BARFY! What do you think you're doing?" Caity the Smelly yelled.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Would you like a glass of cactus juice, Caity the Smelly?" I wasn't trying to be rude, I didn't know she had wanted some.
"Not that! Are you forgetting anything?" she asked, still looking mad.
"Oh yes, silly me. Catman, this is Caity the Smelly, my sidekick. Caity the Smelly, this is Catman. He lives here."
Caity the Smelly started yelling at me again. Something about "conversing with the enemy..." I don't know. I wasn't listening.
"Barfy, do you remember why we came here? How long is your attention span?" Caity the Smelly asked impatiently.
"Oh you know, about - hey Catman pass me a crayon," I saw Catman eating crayons and decided I would try one.
"Of course, what colour?" he asked.
"Hmm, which do you recommend?"
"Here, try this one," he said as he passed me a blue crayon.
"Why thank you!" I took a bite. "This is really good! What colour is this?"
"That's blue. Do have another one," he insisted.
"Don't mind if I do," he held out the box and I picked a yellow one. The blue crayons have more flavor than the yellow.
Caity the Smelly appeared to be very angry, though I hadn't a clue why. I offered her a crayon to make her feel better.
"Barfy, we need to talk!" she grabbed my arm and started to lead me away from the table.
"Excuse me, I'll just be a moment," I told Catman as I left with Caity the Smelly.
"Do you remember what our mission was?" Caity the Smelly asked me.
"Ooh! We get a mission? Cool! Can Catman play too?" Apparently that was the wrong answer.
"CATMAN IS TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"
"He's what?" I asked, appalled. That's when I vaguely remembered something about...something...and I lost it again.
“Don't worry, Caity the Smelly. I have everything under control! Just let me go talk to him," I tried to assure her I knew what I was doing. For some reason, I don't think she believed me.
"Okay fine, you can have one more try. Just do it subtly!"
So I went back to the table and sat with Catman.
We had a short discussion about crayons again, when I spontaneously jumped up and said with excitement, "I heard you're going to take over the world! Is this true?"
I found out later that Caity the Smelly had wanted me to do it subtly. I thought she had said suddenly.
"Yes, it's true. Would you like to join me?" he asked.
"Sure! Why not?" Then I looked over at Caity the Smelly. "I mean no, no. Sorry, I'm actually here to try to stop you...and eat your crayons."
"Oh...I see. But I really wanted to rule the world!" Catman whined.
"I'm sure we could work out a compromise!" I suggested.
"Like what?" he asked.
I had to think for a moment. Then a brilliant idea came to me.
"Okay, you can continue with your plan to rule the world, but you give us all your crayons."
"Why all my crayons?"
"Because I'm hungry."
"Deal!" Catman and I were about to shake hands on our deal when Caity the Smelly abruptly stopped us.
"What do you think you're doing? Crayons or no crayons, he'll still take over the world!" Caity the Smelly was mad again.
"Yes," I answered, not quite seeing the point to Caity the Smelly's anger.
"We're trying to stop Catman from taking over the world!" she exclaimed.
"Who's taking over the world?"
"Well Catman is trying to!"
"Catman, would you do something like this?" I asked him.
"No of course not," he said innocently. "At least, I don't think so. Would I? You know I don't really remember. Why don't you guys come back later?"
"Okay sounds good. Come on Caity the Smelly. Thanks for having us!"
"No problem, drop by again some time!" he waved as I took Caity the Smelly's arm.
"STOP! Stop this instant! You listen here, Barfy, I think-" that's when Catman stuffed a bunch of crayons in her mouth. One was red, one was purple, two were green, and one was black. He said they were snacks "for the road". He gave me an orange one for the walk home. I thanked him again for having us and led Caity the Smelly out the door.
There's not a whole lot left to this story. Catman and I became good friends and he decided to not take over the world, because he might get grounded. Caity the Smelly and I are still good friends but she doesn't like Catman. So that is how Caity the Smelly and I, Barfy, stopped the world from being taken over by the not-so-evil super villain, Catman.