SCENE: SCIENCE CLASS
[Note: These are all ACTUAL Hutsal quotes. We paid a lot of attention.]
Everyone walks into science class, KAR sits in a desk beside SAM. HUTSAL starts talking.
HUTSAL: Okay everybody, get out your textbooks and the homework that’s due.
KID 1: What’s due?
HUTSAL: What was due today… Actually, it was pretty quiet yesterday.
KID 1: So nothing is due?
HUTSAL: Now I didn’t say that. No, you see, the people who fail science are the ones that do absolutely very little.
KID 1: Uh… okay.
HUTSAL: You know some people say ‘television’ instead of TV. But it’s TV.
KAR: To SAM: I didn’t do my homework…
SAM: I did part of it.
HUTSAL: Are you guys paying attention?
HUTSAL: It’s good to pay attention to me you know, because otherwise you’ll be paying attention to someone else. Anyway, next question. Oh, haha. Question one.
KID 2: So we did have homework?
HUTSAL: Yes you had homework! Are you not paying attention?
KID 2: I was paying attention!
HUTSAL: You think paying attention will you help you, but it won’t.
KID 2: What?
HUTSAL: Are we ready to start? Okay question one, B. Two is A, three is also A, question four is C, five is D as in dog. Like a dog. D. Five is D. Six is B, seven C, eight A, nine B, and ten is C. Everybody got that? Pauses. Okay, let’s read from the textbook. Jared, will you read the first paragraph?
JARED: Sure. Reads from textbook: Electricity. Electricity is present constantly in our daily-
HUTSAL walks out of the room.
JARED: Uh… should I keep going?
KID 4: Nah don’t bother.
HUTSAL: Well? Why did you stop reading?
JARED: Oh, well, you left.
HUTSAL: Well I’m back, so you can continue.
JARED: Okay… Reads: Electricity. Electricity is present constantly-
HUTSAL takes out his cell phone and starts playing with it.
KID 5: You already read that part.
JARED: I started again!
KID 6: Wait I’m lost, where are we?
HUTSAL: Yells: I wasn’t looking, I don’t know!
JARED: Should I keep reading?
HUTSAL: While flipping his phone open continuously: You know, when we were kids watching Star Trek, we always wanted something to flip.
HUTSAL continues flipping his phone, making a whirring noise with his mouth while he flips it open.
HUTSAL: Why would you want a noise when you flip your phone anyway? Are we reading about electricity? Electrical storms, I think they’re beautiful. People get killed by them every year.
JARED: Should I keep reading?
HUTSAL: No, we’re going to do an experiment about electricity! I have a balloon, and I’m going to rub it on someone’s head. Any volunteers?
HUTSAL: Marissa, let me rub a balloon on your head.
MARISSA: Uh, okay.
HUTSAL rubs a balloon on MARISSA’s head for several minutes.
HUTSAL: I like lightning storms a lot though. They’re beautiful until somebody dies. Now let’s just see what happens if I – pauses – I just want to borrow you all afternoon!
MARISSA: Um… thanks.
HUTSAL removes the balloon from her head and sticks it to the wall.
HUTSAL: See that? It’s like magic! Electricity is great. Lightning! Lightning can be beautiful. When I’m wearing a wool sweater over a shirt that isn’t wool, I like to take it off in the dark. It’s only nice until it hits something though, then it’s not so nice. It’s funny though, I’ve got about five or six green shirts, but no green sweaters – EVAN! Your goal is to get a credit in this class, not talk to your boy buddies!
HUTSAL: It’s not a gay joke! You have buddies don’t you? And they’re boys. Stop being so homophobic! Anyway. Were we talking about ions? That’s electricity. Lots of ions, ions ions ions ions. Lots of ions! Anyways, Kyle, that is why my neighbour’s hair stands up before a thunderstorm.
KYLE: Um. Oh, I see.
HUTSAL: Okay, conductors. Conductors are important to electricity… Not aluminum-copper though… but if you have… MAGNET. Uh… do you live in a rubber house? Because a metal building is just as safe as a car. But a house, little girls, is not a conductor. Now, the worksheet I gave you yesterday is telling me to explain this to you… Cars are metal. Does anyone have a grandma or grandpa with a huge car? As you get older your car gets bigger, that’s why. Some cars run on hydrogen, can you imagine if we were running on hydrogen? We run on oxygen. Some of you are taking up valuable oxygen though. What are you all waiting for? Get off your butt and start writing!
SAM: Whispering to KAR: I have no idea what I’m supposed to write down…
KAR: I’ve been writing down what he’s saying, it’s just a bunch of gibberish though.
SAM: Haha yeah, something about a balloon… and cars? I don’t know.
HUTSAL: Now, if you know all of these, you’ll get thirty-one out of thirty. No wait, I mean thirty out of thirty.
KID 7: But we don’t know how to do this worksheet.
HUTSAL: Because you guys screw around too much.
KID 7: The bell is going to ring soon…
HUTSAL: Well I guess it’s homework then. When we used to take notes, we would write our faces off! When you kids are in university, you’ll probably all have laptops.
KAR: Is this homework?
HUTSAL: Oh, I won’t be here tomorrow, so you’ll have a substitute.
The bell rings.
HUTSAL: Okay, see you guys on Wednesday.
Everyone leaves the class.