Monday, August 29, 2011


The four of us - KT, Liz, Sam and I - awoke in KT's room and immediately jumped out of bed - we needed an early start on our quest.  Still in our pajamas, KT in her slippers, we set off for Safeway. 

As we walked to the local grocery store, Liz glanced at her phone and frantically informed us it was nearing 7:00.  We picked up the pace - we weren't terribly far but we needed to beat THEM.

We approached the parking lot; we saw THEM nearing the entrance.  We began to run.

We sprinted to the entrance just in time to be the first ones there as the doors opened - we won.  Almost.

Straight to the day-old baked goods; we definitely won.  We got first pick of the cheap food and each spent our few dollars on a variety of goodies.  

We sat on Safeway's sidewalk enjoying our feast.  Having each spent five dollars or less, we ended up with a loaf of french bread, spinach dip, some donuts, a pack of cinnamon buns, several types of cookies, a pie, two cakes, a pack of muffins, and some drinks.  I had a large carton of milk - a couple litres to last me all morning.

We had eaten as much food as we possibly could.

SAM: We have so much left over!
KT: We can take it home!
KAR: Yeah we can have it for lunch!
LIZ: I'm so full.
KAR: Me too. 
SAM: I can't believe we finished both of those cakes.
KT: I can't believe we beat the old people!
LIZ: Yeah and Winnipeg Harvest too!
KAR: It was close though, when we were running across the parking lot I definitely thought they'd win.

A couple of old people pass by and ask us if we're having a picnic.  We confirm that we are having a sidewalk dessert picnic. 

KT: So what do we want to do now?
LIZ: We could go to Tim Horton's.
KT: Let's see how long it will take us to get kicked out!
KAR: We could sing!
KT: Yeah!  What should we sing?
KAR: Let's sing Courtney Love songs!
KT: Okay, that shouldn't take too long to get us kicked out.
SAM: I'm not singing Courtney Love songs in Tim Horton's!

After singing several Courtney Love songs loudly in Tim Horton's, our throats got tired and we got bored.  So we gave up and the four of us walked back to KT's will all of our food.

KT, Liz and I drop Sam off at her house and continue to KT's.  Upon arrival we open our food bags and have a snack, finishing most of the food we bought.

Monday, August 8, 2011

New Year's Eve

Grade Nine

KAR, KT, S + E sit in KT’s room talking.

KAR: I don't know, I don't mind Green Day.  
KT: I hate Green Day.
KAR: I like Jesus of Suburbia.
S: Me too!  What time is it? Is it almost midnight?
KT: It's 11:37.
KAR: It's almost midnight!
E: Okay that’s enough! Can we stop talking about Green Day now?
KT: What?
S: We weren't...We were talking about New Years!
E: Oh. Okay.  You know what we should do while we wait?
KAR: What?
E: We should make opium.
S: Make opium?
E: Yeah I know how to make it.
KAR: Really?
E: Oh yeah!  All I need are some poppy seeds.
KT: I’m pretty sure you need special poppy seeds, not just the kind you buy at Safeway.
E: No any poppy seeds will work, because I know how to extract the opium.  All poppy seeds can be potent if you know how to prepare them.  Do you have any?
KT: Yeah there’s probably some in the baking cupboard.

KT finds a bag of poppy seeds.

E: You guys all want to try it right?  We’ll need four cups.
KT: Well I don’t know…
E: It’s just poppy seeds.
KAR: I’ll try it.
S: Me too.
KT: Yeah okay I guess.

KT gets four cups while E finds lemon juice in the fridge; he pours some juice into each cup along with some poppy seeds.

E: Okay, now we take them outside and set them in the snow and leave them there.  The cold will bring out the opium faster.
KT: We should take them outside after midnight.
KAR: Oh yeah!  What time is it?
S: Oh no!
E: Fuck!  It’s 12:03!
KAR: We missed it!
KT: Belated countdown!
ALL: 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1... HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

They run outside with the cups screaming HAPPY NEW YEARS down the street.  For the next ten or so minutes, until they find a secluded snowy spot to put their potential drugs.  They then continue to walk around the neighbourhood, counting backwards from ten loudly and yelling HAPPY NEW YEARS at the top of their lungs.  Finally their throats get sore and they are just walking.

E: Hey, do you smell pot?
KT: You know that song, by NOFX?
KAR: Herijuana? 
S: Do you smell pot?
KT: Hey you know the song Herijuana?
E: The one by NOFX?
S: Which song by NOFX?
KAR: Herijuana.
S: Oh!
KT: Do you smell pot?
E: Hey do you guys know NOFX?
KT: Oh yeah, they sing Herijuana!
KAR: Does anyone smell pot?
S: Who sings Herijuana?
E: Hey do you smell NOFX?



KSENIA: Hello?
KAR: Hey Ksenia, guess what!
KAR: I just downloaded a bunch of music!
KSENIA: Really?
KAR: Yeah!  You want to come over and listen to it?
KSENIA: Okay!  I'll be right over!
KAR: Kay cool!

KSENIA comes over and they sit at the computer listening to music, while their younger siblings play dress-up loudly in the basement.  They soon come running up the stairs.

K: Come play dress-up with us!
KSENIA: We're busy.
E: Aren't you  just listening to music?
KAR: Ellen we're busy!
K: We need more people for our game!
KAR: Get Stuart to play.
S: I am playing!
KAR: Well we don't want to play right now, we're on the computer.
E: Fine, we're telling!
KAR: Wait!

E, K + S run out to the backyard where both sets of parents are sitting on the patio.

K: Karren and Ksenia won't play with us!
S: Yeah all they're doing is listening to music.
E: Karren's been on the computer all day!
KAR's MOM: Okay okay, tell them to come outside.

They run back inside yelling.

E+K+S: KARREN!  KSENIA!  GUYS!  You have to come outside!  Mom wants to talk to you!

KAR and KSENIA unhappily report to the backyard.

KAR'S MOM: Can't you play with them for a while?
KAR: We're on the computer!
KSENIA'S MOM: Just listening to music apparently.
KSENIA: Karren just downloaded it!
KSENIA'S MOM: Oh just play with them for a little while.
KAR: Fine.
KSENIA: I guess so.
KAR: I don't even know what to dress up as.
KSENIA: Yeah they already took all the good costumes.
KAR: What am I supposed to wear?
KAR'S MOM: You could... just put on a hat and pretend that you're cool.
KAR: Put on a hat and pretend I'm cool?  Thanks Mom.
KAR'S MOM: Oh wait, that's not what I meant!  I don't mean you're not cool!  Sure you're cool honey!
KAR: Okay.  I'm going back inside.

KAR and KSENIA play dress-up with them for a while, then return to their music.  A short while after that, they run outside to the parents with exciting news.

KSENIA: You guys have to come inside!
KSENIA'S MOM: Oh, why?
KSENIA: That's where the computer is!  We have some interpretive dances to some rap songs we want to show you!
KAR: We have everything all set up you just need to come inside!

The parents all go into the house, where KSENIA and KAR proceed to interpretive dance to their favourite Eminem songs.  Much to the delight of the adults, of course.

Devious Scheme

Sometime in Grade 7.

KAR runs into KT’s kitchen holding a pad of Post-It notes.

KAR: KT look! Look what I have!
KT: Post-It notes?
KAR: Yes! Let’s label things!
KT: Like what?
KAR: I’m gonna label your kitchen!
KT: The whole kitchen?
KAR: Yes and I have a scheme!
KT: What is it?
KAR: I’m gonna surprise your parents by labeling everything in your kitchen… but I’m going to label everything wrong!
KT: To frustrate them even further?
KAR: No, to confuse them! They’ll come in and want to get a glass from the cupboard, but the cupboard will be labeled ‘sink’, and the fridge labeled ‘cupboard’! The dishwasher will be labeled ‘microwave’ and the microwave ‘freezer’, the freezer will be ‘oven’ and the oven will be ‘hungry vicious lion’ just to remind people to steer clear of ovens as they will kill you in a horrific painful way.
KT: Uh… kay, I’m just gonna be here on IRC so… good luck with that.
KAR: Oh thanks.

KT and Kar Again

KT and KAR are sitting in KT’s kitchen; the phone rings.

KAR: I’ll get it! Jumps towards the phone.
KT: No wait I’ll-
KAR: Hello, Rogers’ residence, Mr Rogers speaking! 
KT: Goddamnit Kar.
KAR: Shh, it’s your mom. Hi Mom! Mhm. Oh I don’t know, I feel like anything. To KT: Hey KT, what do you feel like for dinner?
KT: Uh…
KAR: Into the phone: Do you need to go grocery shopping at all? Really? I’d love to! After dinner? Okay. One second. To KT: Me and your mom are going grocery shopping after dinner, do you want to come?
KT: Uh, no I’m good.
KAR: Okay. Into the phone: KT? Oh, yeah sure no problem, hold on. To KT: Hey it’s for you, it’s your Mom.  Hands the phone to KT. 
KT: Hi mom. Yeah I know, I tried to answer it first… no that’s just how she’s been answering phones lately. She thinks she’s Mr. Rogers. Mhm. No she hasn’t found the glue. Okay. I don’t know, spaghetti maybe? Yeah Kar likes spaghetti. Okay. Bye. Hangs up the phone. 
KAR: What did she say about me? 
KT: Um. That she loves you. 
KAR: Oh yay! This is one of the reasons I need to marry Stitchup, his last name is actually Rogers! It’s some kind of sign. What’s the opposite of an omen? This is a good omen!

KT: Just because some kid on IRC has the last name of Rogers while you’re simultaneously being batshit insane, doesn’t mean it’s a good omen…
KAR: No, see, there were actually three good omens so far about him being my soulmate!
KT: Oh? What were the other two? 
KAR: Well one is that we got internet-married a couple of days ago. 
KT: Oh yeah I heard about that.
KAR: Yeah! And the third one, I asked him when his birthday is, and apparently it’s the same day that me and Toby broke up! That must mean something.
KT: Isn’t he going to jail for beating someone up with a baseball bat? 
KAR: Um… I don’t think they’ve sentenced him yet.
KT: You have such great taste in guys.
KAR: Right?!

Science Class PART 2

The bell rings; everyone enters the classroom and sits down.

HUTSAL: Okay, so how did things go with the substitute yesterday? Did everybody complete the worksheet?
KID 1: Well we didn’t really know how to do it.
HUTSAL: Well the adult I had watching you must have been an idiot. Okay, open your textbooks to the electricity chapter.
KID 2: Can you go over the conductor thing again?
HUTSAL: Thanks kids, that’s a good question. I’d say that, I’d say it was a good question. 

A kid sneezes.

HUTSAL: That was a nice sneeze. Now, you should all know that report cards are coming out soon, and despite all the comments I wrote about you, I still like you guys.  I just want your parents to know. Now, back to electricity. Okay, conductors and grounding. Oh hey, speaking of report cards! That’ll be a word you’ll be hearing a lot next week hey guys? Grounding! Haha.

HUTSAL gets out his cell phone and begins playing with it.

HUTSAL: Haha, that was pretty funny.  My worst subject was always English. I was sitting beside a very distracting guy, and I just couldn’t pay attention. He’s a friend of mine though, John Lowen. My little guys call him Lowen. I know you’re studying Shakespeare in English, so you just have to remember not to sit beside him.

HUTSAL continues playing with his phone.

HUTSAL: Sometimes I get text messages. Reading from his phone’s screen: “Pick me up at the side doors.” We have about nine phones, it’s dumb. Without cell phones though it would only be about five. When I was a kid we sure didn’t have that many phones. I wish Mrs. Malcolm was here. You know, if there’s a wire coming out of your phone, you could DIE. Speaking of wires, electricity. I’m just waiting to see if Mrs. Malcolm comes in, she can tell us about phones when she was a kid. If we didn’t have one of those phone-finder things…gee. It was under the bed the whole time! That one time I lost my phone.
KID 4: Can I go to the washroom?
HUTSAL: Go quick.

KID 4 leaves the room.

HUTSAL: Okay, so we’ll have a test next Monday.
KID 7: How much will it be worth?
HUTSAL: Well the lightning questions alone will be six marks, and that’s just lightning! So the rest will probab- excuse me, will you stop kicking that chair? You can kick chairs all you want, I don’t care, but do it on your own time. 
KID 7: Wait so, what will the whole test be out of...?
HUTSAL: Oh let’s just worry about covering all of the material. You’ll see in your textbooks there’s some true or false questions, we’ll go over those now.  Number one, a safe place to stay during a lightning storm is under a tree. True. Number two, when lightning…

HUTSAL’s voice fades out as KAR begins talking quietly to SAM.

KAR: Number one is true?
SAM: Apparently Mr. Hutsal sits under trees during lightning storms.
KAR: Well it is the safest place to be.
SAM: Haha. I hope nobody takes advice from this.

HUTSAL is still talking.

HUTSAL: …and some cords work better than others, the cord I usually use for it is a big thick cord with a big thick head-

A few kids are snickering.

HUTSAL: ANTHONY, SMARTEN UP.  Come on guys, be a little mature here. You know when my guys are being idiots I- like this morning! One of my guys slept in! I mean it wasn’t his fault, it was the alarm clock’s fault. Anyway, I’m trying to help you guys understand this stuff. I’m not hanging you, you’re hanging yourselves.  Okay, let’s see how much you guys have learned. Kyle, explain why… um, hmm… explain why… why…

HUTSAL continues pondering.

KID 3: Can I change seats? He keeps kicking my chair!
KID 5: I am not!
KID 3: Yes you are! I want to change seats!
HUTSAL: Oh, I don’t like the idea of changing seats. This isn’t some kind of club where- do you wanna hold hands, guys? Looking at guys on the other side of the room. Well stop touching him! Anyway, that’s why the current goes up, because more doors are opening.

KID 4 returns.

HUTSAL: Got a little bored in the washroom? Do some interesting reading?
KID 4: Uh, no…
HUTSAL: Well you missed some important stuff. 
KID 4: Kay.
HUTSAL: Kids don’t worry as much as they used to, huh? I mean I don’t think any of you are losing any sleep over this, are any of you losing any sleep? I don’t think you’re losing any sleep at all.  But you need to pay attention, or else it’s tough tiddlywinks for you when it’s test-time. 


Science Class PART 1


[Note: These are all ACTUAL Hutsal quotes.  We paid a lot of attention.]

Everyone walks into science class, KAR sits in a desk beside SAM.  HUTSAL starts talking.

HUTSAL: Okay everybody, get out your textbooks and the homework that’s due.
KID 1: What’s due?
HUTSAL: What was due today… Actually, it was pretty quiet yesterday.
KID 1: So nothing is due?
HUTSAL: Now I didn’t say that. No, you see, the people who fail science are the ones that do absolutely very little.
KID 1: Uh… okay.
HUTSAL: You know some people say ‘television’ instead of TV. But it’s TV.
KAR: To SAM: I didn’t do my homework…
SAM: I did part of it.
HUTSAL: Are you guys paying attention?
KAR: Yes.
HUTSAL: It’s good to pay attention to me you know, because otherwise you’ll be paying attention to someone else. Anyway, next question.  Oh, haha. Question one.
KID 2: So we did have homework?
HUTSAL: Yes you had homework! Are you not paying attention?
KID 2: I was paying attention!
HUTSAL: You think paying attention will you help you, but it won’t.
KID 2: What?
HUTSAL: Are we ready to start? Okay question one, B.  Two is A, three is also A, question four is C, five is D as in dog. Like a dog. D. Five is D. Six is B, seven C, eight A, nine B, and ten is C. Everybody got that? Pauses. Okay, let’s read from the textbook. Jared, will you read the first paragraph?
JARED: Sure. Reads from textbook: Electricity.  Electricity is present constantly in our daily-

HUTSAL walks out of the room.

JARED: Uh… should I keep going?
KID 4: Nah don’t bother.
JARED: Okay…

HUTSAL returns. 

HUTSAL: Well? Why did you stop reading?
JARED: Oh, well, you left.
HUTSAL: Well I’m back, so you can continue.
JARED: Okay… Reads: Electricity. Electricity is present constantly-

HUTSAL takes out his cell phone and starts playing with it.

KID 5: You already read that part.
JARED: I started again!
KID 6: Wait I’m lost, where are we?
HUTSAL: Yells: I wasn’t looking, I don’t know!
JARED: Should I keep reading?
HUTSAL: While flipping his phone open continuously: You know, when we were kids watching Star Trek, we always wanted something to flip.

HUTSAL continues flipping his phone, making a whirring noise with his mouth while he flips it open.

HUTSAL: Why would you want a noise when you flip your phone anyway? Are we reading about electricity? Electrical storms, I think they’re beautiful. People get killed by them every year.
JARED: Should I keep reading?
HUTSAL: No, we’re going to do an experiment about electricity! I have a balloon, and I’m going to rub it on someone’s head. Any volunteers? 

Nobody volunteers.

HUTSAL: Marissa, let me rub a balloon on your head.
MARISSA: Uh, okay.

HUTSAL rubs a balloon on MARISSA’s head for several minutes.

HUTSAL: I like lightning storms a lot though. They’re beautiful until somebody dies. Now let’s just see what happens if I – pauses – I just want to borrow you all afternoon!
MARISSA: Um… thanks.

HUTSAL removes the balloon from her head and sticks it to the wall.

HUTSAL: See that? It’s like magic! Electricity is great. Lightning! Lightning can be beautiful.  When I’m wearing a wool sweater over a shirt that isn’t wool, I like to take it off in the dark. It’s only nice until it hits something though, then it’s not so nice. It’s funny though, I’ve got about five or six green shirts, but no green sweaters – EVAN! Your goal is to get a credit in this class, not talk to your boy buddies!

Everyone snickers.

HUTSAL: It’s not a gay joke! You have buddies don’t you? And they’re boys. Stop being so homophobic! Anyway. Were we talking about ions? That’s electricity. Lots of ions, ions ions ions ions. Lots of ions! Anyways, Kyle, that is why my neighbour’s hair stands up before a thunderstorm.
KYLE: Um. Oh, I see.
HUTSAL: Okay, conductors.  Conductors are important to electricity… Not aluminum-copper though… but if you have… MAGNET. Uh… do you live in a rubber house?  Because a metal building is just as safe as a car.  But a house, little girls, is not a conductor. Now, the worksheet I gave you yesterday is telling me to explain this to you… Cars are metal. Does anyone have a grandma or grandpa with a huge car? As you get older your car gets bigger, that’s why. Some cars run on hydrogen, can you imagine if we were running on hydrogen? We run on oxygen. Some of you are taking up valuable oxygen though. What are you all waiting for? Get off your butt and start writing!
SAM: Whispering to KAR: I have no idea what I’m supposed to write down…
KAR: I’ve been writing down what he’s saying, it’s just a bunch of gibberish though.
SAM: Haha yeah, something about a balloon… and cars? I don’t know.
HUTSAL: Now, if you know all of these, you’ll get thirty-one out of thirty. No wait, I mean thirty out of thirty.
KID 7: But we don’t know how to do this worksheet.
HUTSAL: Because you guys screw around too much.
KID 7: The bell is going to ring soon…
HUTSAL: Well I guess it’s homework then. When we used to take notes, we would write our faces off! When you kids are in university, you’ll probably all have laptops.
KAR: Is this homework?
HUTSAL: Oh, I won’t be here tomorrow, so you’ll have a substitute.
KAR: Oh…kay.

The bell rings.

HUTSAL: Okay, see you guys on Wednesday.

Everyone leaves the class.