Science Class PART 2

The bell rings; everyone enters the classroom and sits down.


HUTSAL: Okay, so how did things go with the substitute yesterday? Did everybody complete the worksheet?
KID 1: Well we didn’t really know how to do it.
HUTSAL: Well the adult I had watching you must have been an idiot. Okay, open your textbooks to the electricity chapter.
KID 2: Can you go over the conductor thing again?
HUTSAL: Thanks kids, that’s a good question. I’d say that, I’d say it was a good question. 


A kid sneezes.


HUTSAL: That was a nice sneeze. Now, you should all know that report cards are coming out soon, and despite all the comments I wrote about you, I still like you guys.  I just want your parents to know. Now, back to electricity. Okay, conductors and grounding. Oh hey, speaking of report cards! That’ll be a word you’ll be hearing a lot next week hey guys? Grounding! Haha.


HUTSAL gets out his cell phone and begins playing with it.


HUTSAL: Haha, that was pretty funny.  My worst subject was always English. I was sitting beside a very distracting guy, and I just couldn’t pay attention. He’s a friend of mine though, John Lowen. My little guys call him Lowen. I know you’re studying Shakespeare in English, so you just have to remember not to sit beside him.


HUTSAL continues playing with his phone.


HUTSAL: Sometimes I get text messages. Reading from his phone’s screen: “Pick me up at the side doors.” We have about nine phones, it’s dumb. Without cell phones though it would only be about five. When I was a kid we sure didn’t have that many phones. I wish Mrs. Malcolm was here. You know, if there’s a wire coming out of your phone, you could DIE. Speaking of wires, electricity. I’m just waiting to see if Mrs. Malcolm comes in, she can tell us about phones when she was a kid. If we didn’t have one of those phone-finder things…gee. It was under the bed the whole time! That one time I lost my phone.
KID 4: Can I go to the washroom?
HUTSAL: Go quick.


KID 4 leaves the room.


HUTSAL: Okay, so we’ll have a test next Monday.
KID 7: How much will it be worth?
HUTSAL: Well the lightning questions alone will be six marks, and that’s just lightning! So the rest will probab- excuse me, will you stop kicking that chair? You can kick chairs all you want, I don’t care, but do it on your own time. 
KID 7: Wait so, what will the whole test be out of...?
HUTSAL: Oh let’s just worry about covering all of the material. You’ll see in your textbooks there’s some true or false questions, we’ll go over those now.  Number one, a safe place to stay during a lightning storm is under a tree. True. Number two, when lightning…


HUTSAL’s voice fades out as KAR begins talking quietly to SAM.


KAR: Number one is true?
SAM: Apparently Mr. Hutsal sits under trees during lightning storms.
KAR: Well it is the safest place to be.
SAM: Haha. I hope nobody takes advice from this.


HUTSAL is still talking.


HUTSAL: …and some cords work better than others, the cord I usually use for it is a big thick cord with a big thick head-


A few kids are snickering.


HUTSAL: ANTHONY, SMARTEN UP.  Come on guys, be a little mature here. You know when my guys are being idiots I- like this morning! One of my guys slept in! I mean it wasn’t his fault, it was the alarm clock’s fault. Anyway, I’m trying to help you guys understand this stuff. I’m not hanging you, you’re hanging yourselves.  Okay, let’s see how much you guys have learned. Kyle, explain why… um, hmm… explain why… why…


HUTSAL continues pondering.


KID 3: Can I change seats? He keeps kicking my chair!
KID 5: I am not!
KID 3: Yes you are! I want to change seats!
HUTSAL: Oh, I don’t like the idea of changing seats. This isn’t some kind of club where- do you wanna hold hands, guys? Looking at guys on the other side of the room. Well stop touching him! Anyway, that’s why the current goes up, because more doors are opening.


KID 4 returns.


HUTSAL: Got a little bored in the washroom? Do some interesting reading?
KID 4: Uh, no…
HUTSAL: Well you missed some important stuff. 
KID 4: Kay.
HUTSAL: Kids don’t worry as much as they used to, huh? I mean I don’t think any of you are losing any sleep over this, are any of you losing any sleep? I don’t think you’re losing any sleep at all.  But you need to pay attention, or else it’s tough tiddlywinks for you when it’s test-time. 


TO BE CONTINUED.

Science Class PART 1

SCENE: SCIENCE CLASS


[Note: These are all ACTUAL Hutsal quotes.  We paid a lot of attention.]


Everyone walks into science class, KAR sits in a desk beside SAM.  HUTSAL starts talking.


HUTSAL: Okay everybody, get out your textbooks and the homework that’s due.
KID 1: What’s due?
HUTSAL: What was due today… Actually, it was pretty quiet yesterday.
KID 1: So nothing is due?
HUTSAL: Now I didn’t say that. No, you see, the people who fail science are the ones that do absolutely very little.
KID 1: Uh… okay.
HUTSAL: You know some people say ‘television’ instead of TV. But it’s TV.
KAR: To SAM: I didn’t do my homework…
SAM: I did part of it.
HUTSAL: Are you guys paying attention?
KAR: Yes.
HUTSAL: It’s good to pay attention to me you know, because otherwise you’ll be paying attention to someone else. Anyway, next question.  Oh, haha. Question one.
KID 2: So we did have homework?
HUTSAL: Yes you had homework! Are you not paying attention?
KID 2: I was paying attention!
HUTSAL: You think paying attention will you help you, but it won’t.
KID 2: What?
HUTSAL: Are we ready to start? Okay question one, B.  Two is A, three is also A, question four is C, five is D as in dog. Like a dog. D. Five is D. Six is B, seven C, eight A, nine B, and ten is C. Everybody got that? Pauses. Okay, let’s read from the textbook. Jared, will you read the first paragraph?
JARED: Sure. Reads from textbook: Electricity.  Electricity is present constantly in our daily-


HUTSAL walks out of the room.


JARED: Uh… should I keep going?
KID 4: Nah don’t bother.
JARED: Okay…


HUTSAL returns. 


HUTSAL: Well? Why did you stop reading?
JARED: Oh, well, you left.
HUTSAL: Well I’m back, so you can continue.
JARED: Okay… Reads: Electricity. Electricity is present constantly-


HUTSAL takes out his cell phone and starts playing with it.


KID 5: You already read that part.
JARED: I started again!
KID 6: Wait I’m lost, where are we?
HUTSAL: Yells: I wasn’t looking, I don’t know!
JARED: Should I keep reading?
HUTSAL: While flipping his phone open continuously: You know, when we were kids watching Star Trek, we always wanted something to flip.


HUTSAL continues flipping his phone, making a whirring noise with his mouth while he flips it open.


HUTSAL: Why would you want a noise when you flip your phone anyway? Are we reading about electricity? Electrical storms, I think they’re beautiful. People get killed by them every year.
JARED: Should I keep reading?
HUTSAL: No, we’re going to do an experiment about electricity! I have a balloon, and I’m going to rub it on someone’s head. Any volunteers? 


Nobody volunteers.


HUTSAL: Marissa, let me rub a balloon on your head.
MARISSA: Uh, okay.


HUTSAL rubs a balloon on MARISSA’s head for several minutes.


HUTSAL: I like lightning storms a lot though. They’re beautiful until somebody dies. Now let’s just see what happens if I – pauses – I just want to borrow you all afternoon!
MARISSA: Um… thanks.


HUTSAL removes the balloon from her head and sticks it to the wall.


HUTSAL: See that? It’s like magic! Electricity is great. Lightning! Lightning can be beautiful.  When I’m wearing a wool sweater over a shirt that isn’t wool, I like to take it off in the dark. It’s only nice until it hits something though, then it’s not so nice. It’s funny though, I’ve got about five or six green shirts, but no green sweaters – EVAN! Your goal is to get a credit in this class, not talk to your boy buddies!


Everyone snickers.


HUTSAL: It’s not a gay joke! You have buddies don’t you? And they’re boys. Stop being so homophobic! Anyway. Were we talking about ions? That’s electricity. Lots of ions, ions ions ions ions. Lots of ions! Anyways, Kyle, that is why my neighbour’s hair stands up before a thunderstorm.
KYLE: Um. Oh, I see.
HUTSAL: Okay, conductors.  Conductors are important to electricity… Not aluminum-copper though… but if you have… MAGNET. Uh… do you live in a rubber house?  Because a metal building is just as safe as a car.  But a house, little girls, is not a conductor. Now, the worksheet I gave you yesterday is telling me to explain this to you… Cars are metal. Does anyone have a grandma or grandpa with a huge car? As you get older your car gets bigger, that’s why. Some cars run on hydrogen, can you imagine if we were running on hydrogen? We run on oxygen. Some of you are taking up valuable oxygen though. What are you all waiting for? Get off your butt and start writing!
SAM: Whispering to KAR: I have no idea what I’m supposed to write down…
KAR: I’ve been writing down what he’s saying, it’s just a bunch of gibberish though.
SAM: Haha yeah, something about a balloon… and cars? I don’t know.
HUTSAL: Now, if you know all of these, you’ll get thirty-one out of thirty. No wait, I mean thirty out of thirty.
KID 7: But we don’t know how to do this worksheet.
HUTSAL: Because you guys screw around too much.
KID 7: The bell is going to ring soon…
HUTSAL: Well I guess it’s homework then. When we used to take notes, we would write our faces off! When you kids are in university, you’ll probably all have laptops.
KAR: Is this homework?
HUTSAL: Oh, I won’t be here tomorrow, so you’ll have a substitute.
KAR: Oh…kay.


The bell rings.


HUTSAL: Okay, see you guys on Wednesday.


Everyone leaves the class.